Picture this: Lincoln Center. Newly renovated. Green everywhere. A peace that quiets even the bzzz of the bees. The sun is kissing my face, the spring breeze is tickling my neck and a light roar comes from the reflective pool in front of me. In the distance I see Julliard. On my cheek I feel the hot warmth of a tear. I trace it's voyage pore by pore as it exits my ducts and descends, to where I don't know, but the journey is slow and warming. To most people this building is just that-a building. To me this building is a city block of my young dreams. Cement blocks of hope. Windows that look into the future. A structure that captured all of my sent prayers and kept them secret. All I've ever dreamed....and yet I stand on the outside looking in, dreams silenced, reality proves yet again that she has won.
My obsession with dance started early. I remember always dancing in circles in my room. No one there but me and music. I remember stopping dead in my tracks if anybody on TV was doing something more advance than walking. I would wrap a sheet around my little waist and become a ballerina. I'd put a stick in my mouth and be an african dancer. I'd put bottle caps on the bottom of my sneakers, my mother HATED this, and move my feet really fast like I was tapping. Oh, what a mess. Oh, how I begged to be in class. We couldn't afford it. That was that. The next week I joined every show choir, glee club, botany team...anything just hoping that I could learn something.(there was a cute guy in the botany class...don't judge) Eventually I got really good. Dance captain for the show choir and glee club, I even choreographed a musical in junior year. The most exciting part was that freshmen year a friend's father saw my passion for dance and became my sponsor and enrolled me in tap, ballet, and modern! With my passion for dance and good training...I picked it up quickly. My teacher said I needed more intense training and she suggested some programs and schools...one of them, Julliard.
Long story short...I went and auditioned! They said I had good technique, the passion was there, but I was fat. What I failed to mention was that I had started to gain weight when I was 11 and could never lose it. I worked hard, my technique was good, I was just, well fat. That three letter word devestated me. I stopped dancing for a great while. I stopped loving myself. I overate to deal and gained 60lbs in doing so. I hated myself for being me. I've recently rediscovered my love for dance. The passion never left me. The joy took a seat on the back burner. My belief in people did go. I was confused as to how someone whose world was dance could destroy the dreams of a fellow dancer. Maybe I'm not as resolved with this issue as I had hoped. I zip up my bag, I look down at my thighs...so that's where the tear landed. I wipe the spot, throw my chin up and keep it moving. Sometimes consistently fighting the opposition is tiring and so you resolve to let it just be. and it's done.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Indecent Exposure my ass!
Here's the thing...
They got me again girl! Those damn park cops have a bounty on my head and some sort of free ham everytime they arrest me. At this point next years holiday season is covered. I'll set it all up for you and allow you to make any conclusion you want!
Picture this:
A sensible mid morning dew rising off the grass. The sun kissing the clouds away. A backpack. An Ipod. Short shorts a bare chest. Got it so far. Now hear this: birds chirping. The soothing lull of the river waves smacking against the pier, a faint laugh of a child, the piercing sound of "Ma'am could you please put your shirt back on? You are not allowed to be topless in this park"
See: Rage and Disbelief
See: A damn cop hovering over me..repeating the exact same phrase found in the paragraph above.
I said sorry? he said ma'am! I said i'm a boy. He said and i'm the fucking pope. I said well hi fucker, how bout you stop touching kids. He said...well nothing he just hit me in the head with a nearby bucket.
I said. ow!
As he put me in handcuffs my man tits slung left to right, up and down. He said indecent exposure and i said why because I was sunning my man pancakes. He said, yes!
Honey a girl can't get a break! At least during my incarceration i'll get that prison body...hot!
Oh Vay!
They got me again girl! Those damn park cops have a bounty on my head and some sort of free ham everytime they arrest me. At this point next years holiday season is covered. I'll set it all up for you and allow you to make any conclusion you want!
Picture this:
A sensible mid morning dew rising off the grass. The sun kissing the clouds away. A backpack. An Ipod. Short shorts a bare chest. Got it so far. Now hear this: birds chirping. The soothing lull of the river waves smacking against the pier, a faint laugh of a child, the piercing sound of "Ma'am could you please put your shirt back on? You are not allowed to be topless in this park"
See: Rage and Disbelief
See: A damn cop hovering over me..repeating the exact same phrase found in the paragraph above.
I said sorry? he said ma'am! I said i'm a boy. He said and i'm the fucking pope. I said well hi fucker, how bout you stop touching kids. He said...well nothing he just hit me in the head with a nearby bucket.
I said. ow!
As he put me in handcuffs my man tits slung left to right, up and down. He said indecent exposure and i said why because I was sunning my man pancakes. He said, yes!
Honey a girl can't get a break! At least during my incarceration i'll get that prison body...hot!
Oh Vay!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
thoughts
Outside crumpled cigarettes pollute the sidewalk, kissing the seams that connect stability. My gaze hovers over them and fixates on an iron bar. Protecting seedlings, strongholding danger, it stands dark and strong. Earth releases it's brilliance and green shines through. Bright. In this bleak neighborhood it fights it. Light. Dreaming. Twisted.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Hot Mess
picture this....
a green leaf. a purple flower. some blue water. white sand. a naked booty.
Now picture this....a stream of hot piss coming flying at your face. Can you see it? Cause I didn't! My little nephew, the precious asshole, pissed right in my eye right as I was changing him. I was in shock, usually when that happens I've at least asked for it and I know it's about to,(awkward for you) but body temperature liquid flying at your face in a fast, intense pace is not what I liked to think of as the most amazing way to spend a saturday nite....with a child. Needless to say, I was humored but a little pissed....pun intended!
The moist one,
Plussize Twink
a green leaf. a purple flower. some blue water. white sand. a naked booty.
Now picture this....a stream of hot piss coming flying at your face. Can you see it? Cause I didn't! My little nephew, the precious asshole, pissed right in my eye right as I was changing him. I was in shock, usually when that happens I've at least asked for it and I know it's about to,(awkward for you) but body temperature liquid flying at your face in a fast, intense pace is not what I liked to think of as the most amazing way to spend a saturday nite....with a child. Needless to say, I was humored but a little pissed....pun intended!
The moist one,
Plussize Twink
Sunday, April 18, 2010
The Drink Got me Thru....
So i stand here, barefoot in basketball shorts, tights hug my thighs a loose Wham tshirt hangs daintily off my shoulders and a mirror is staring back at me. At this point my mind is a racing. Why am i standing here in, yet again, another dance call. Why did i wake up at 4:30 this morning praying and hoping that this Joseph call will allow Joseph to have a dark skin thick brother.
Friday, February 5, 2010
No Fats or Fems...shit
There is no phrase that I've ever read that makes me want to pluck my eyes out more in my life than: No Fats or Fems.
No FATS
There are two types of people in this world: Fat and Non Fat people! The battle between the two are way past the most intense dance off in West Side Story!
I've often overheard, whilst walking down the street or sitting in a synagogue, people discussing important daily facts about the plus size or fat people in their lives.
"Marty, some people say more cushion for the pushin'!" "If there was a plane crash we would have a buffet off of your ass alone, ha!""Tamela, I bet you he floats good!"" I did my taxes on the 25Th of April."( that last statement just goes to prove that sometimes people aren't really listening to the conversation but just always willing to cosign)but I digress.
Everyone loves having a fat best friend, it's comfortable. Think about it, you've always got some body who makes you feel less guilty about eating that pepperoni pizza and that tub of ben and jerry's. I mean what are they gonna say, really? And we too understand our roles in the world. As a a plus size person I understand that I have many functions in relationships. I can serve as a buffer to someone coming out, I can be a date for a wedding, I am inevitably the surprise entertainment at any function (cause we're all funny) and I am always the go to for a great nite out on the town. See getting used to this concept will throw you if you've always been on the outside looking in, like I was before the slip and slide backslash life changing vomit track meet.
or FEMS
Dear gay men, life is not a real porn. Not every gay man is a tool belt wearing, fresh out of the Caribbean, macho acting, barry white voiced, foreign god of ecstasy.I bet half of those men are high pitched lisped challenged booty shorts midriff shirt wearing home decorating gays from Staten Island. They are putting on an act, like most of us do. Why, I will never know. There is nothing wrong with being fem. I know the common statement is if i wanted a woman i would have been with one,well let's be honest gentlemens, w omen won't let you drive down their hershey highway. And in the end, isn't that all that matters?(Get it, that was a joke!) Yet again, I digress. Your sexuality is your own. The most beautiful thing about being a gay man is that you have the choice, without any pretense, to enjoy both sides of the spectrum. You can watch a lacrosse match in stilettos and lipstick and have the time of your life. And no judgements,at least not from me.
We have too much division within our culture. Just because I'm fat doesn't mean that I'm not healthy, it means I may have just inherited whale genes from an obese grandfather and just because I'm a little fem doesn't mean that I'm not enjoying the great things about being purely masculine. Let's open up our minds, like we beg everyone else to do, and start finding the beauty in everybody.
Plussize Twink Out
No FATS
There are two types of people in this world: Fat and Non Fat people! The battle between the two are way past the most intense dance off in West Side Story!
I've often overheard, whilst walking down the street or sitting in a synagogue, people discussing important daily facts about the plus size or fat people in their lives.
"Marty, some people say more cushion for the pushin'!" "If there was a plane crash we would have a buffet off of your ass alone, ha!""Tamela, I bet you he floats good!"" I did my taxes on the 25Th of April."( that last statement just goes to prove that sometimes people aren't really listening to the conversation but just always willing to cosign)but I digress.
Everyone loves having a fat best friend, it's comfortable. Think about it, you've always got some body who makes you feel less guilty about eating that pepperoni pizza and that tub of ben and jerry's. I mean what are they gonna say, really? And we too understand our roles in the world. As a a plus size person I understand that I have many functions in relationships. I can serve as a buffer to someone coming out, I can be a date for a wedding, I am inevitably the surprise entertainment at any function (cause we're all funny) and I am always the go to for a great nite out on the town. See getting used to this concept will throw you if you've always been on the outside looking in, like I was before the slip and slide backslash life changing vomit track meet.
or FEMS
Dear gay men, life is not a real porn. Not every gay man is a tool belt wearing, fresh out of the Caribbean, macho acting, barry white voiced, foreign god of ecstasy.I bet half of those men are high pitched lisped challenged booty shorts midriff shirt wearing home decorating gays from Staten Island. They are putting on an act, like most of us do. Why, I will never know. There is nothing wrong with being fem. I know the common statement is if i wanted a woman i would have been with one,well let's be honest gentlemens, w omen won't let you drive down their hershey highway. And in the end, isn't that all that matters?(Get it, that was a joke!) Yet again, I digress. Your sexuality is your own. The most beautiful thing about being a gay man is that you have the choice, without any pretense, to enjoy both sides of the spectrum. You can watch a lacrosse match in stilettos and lipstick and have the time of your life. And no judgements,at least not from me.
We have too much division within our culture. Just because I'm fat doesn't mean that I'm not healthy, it means I may have just inherited whale genes from an obese grandfather and just because I'm a little fem doesn't mean that I'm not enjoying the great things about being purely masculine. Let's open up our minds, like we beg everyone else to do, and start finding the beauty in everybody.
Plussize Twink Out
Monday, February 1, 2010
Picture this....
A side ponytail. Dangling red earrings. Pink stilettos. A floral wrap dress. Inhale the sweet intoxication of cinnamon raisin oatmeal and rose perfume. Close your eyes and hear a melody deeply enriched in sunshine and dreams and prayers and pain. Listen very closely and you can even hear a slight giggle. Remember being able to see eye to eye with the doorknob and remember how huge you thought this sweet woman was who kissed you too much and held you too close and hugged you for too long and who stared at you while you slept and remember uttering the words, mama. These are some of my first memories of her.
Mama, i say over and over again, she turns and just smiles and simply says, "Hey puddin!" She turns back around and I wobble to her, I fall and look up to her immediately, she doesn't react, so I keep going. I catch her and I hold on to dear life. At her leg I feel safe and supported. I feel the smoothness of her skin, I inhale and remember the beauty of cocoa butter, and I feel my spit fall out my mouth and run down her leg and she says, "What are you doing, puddin?" I think at this moment, nothing is better than this. Before I know it I'm soaring through the air, and I laugh, oh I laugh so hard and she laughs and I laugh. Her face flies towards mine and mine towards hers and again and again until I'm nestled in her warm place between her arms. And she holds me there and we both take time to catch our breaths. I've gotten tired and a close my eyes and I rest. A fast thump beats in my ear and as it slows a hum fills the little holes on the side of my head. My little thump matches my mamas and I am fast asleep. I rest well because I know that when I wake up, she'll be right there to greet me. Smiling. Humming. Waiting. I like this lady. I can't wait to play with her again. As I fall deeper in sleep, angels float in front of my eyes and I giggle with them. The Big Man talks again and I laugh at his roar and before you know it, it's morning. The smile greets me again and i giggle, stretch and I blink.
Mama, i say over and over again, she turns and just smiles and simply says, "Hey puddin!" She turns back around and I wobble to her, I fall and look up to her immediately, she doesn't react, so I keep going. I catch her and I hold on to dear life. At her leg I feel safe and supported. I feel the smoothness of her skin, I inhale and remember the beauty of cocoa butter, and I feel my spit fall out my mouth and run down her leg and she says, "What are you doing, puddin?" I think at this moment, nothing is better than this. Before I know it I'm soaring through the air, and I laugh, oh I laugh so hard and she laughs and I laugh. Her face flies towards mine and mine towards hers and again and again until I'm nestled in her warm place between her arms. And she holds me there and we both take time to catch our breaths. I've gotten tired and a close my eyes and I rest. A fast thump beats in my ear and as it slows a hum fills the little holes on the side of my head. My little thump matches my mamas and I am fast asleep. I rest well because I know that when I wake up, she'll be right there to greet me. Smiling. Humming. Waiting. I like this lady. I can't wait to play with her again. As I fall deeper in sleep, angels float in front of my eyes and I giggle with them. The Big Man talks again and I laugh at his roar and before you know it, it's morning. The smile greets me again and i giggle, stretch and I blink.
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