Wednesday, March 2, 2011

I'm not meant to be alone, turn this house into a home.

I'm sitting in, trying to listen to my silence. It wrote a song that I have not been able to shake. A damn melodic line that sticks in my ear and haunts me. Humming? I often wonder if anybody else can hear it. Can you see this song do a dance in me? Sometimes it makes me frown. It makes cry.It steals my voice. It makes me cuddle up and want to sleep for days. It makes my toe tap and keeps my knees bouncin'. It makes me feel inadequate. It's lonely. There is no harmony to this song for it stands alone. Sometimes we hear things that draws us in...that tickles our fancy-a baby's giggle, a rustling leaf, the ocean. Then we hear things that we can live without-you're not good enough, he will come, you can't do it. Nonetheless, both are songs. Both to which are ears are tuned to hear.
I struggle daily with loneliness. Granted there are plenty of people in this world who love me unconditionally: as friends. I don't think I can ever truly express how grateful my friend loves in my life are. They are loves that will feed me when I'm hungry, tickle me when I'm sad, cuss me out when I've been drinkin and listen to me when I need it. These loves are beautiful and perfect; loves that I wish for in a partner. BUT, I want a him. I want somebody who is wild about me. Who thinks that my body is sexy. That my lips are something he thinks about all day long while he's working. I'm looking for a him to book vacations with, to take home to the South. To hear him snore in the night is what delight seems to me. I want a wedding day.
The journey to find my mister right and the harmony to my new song has many steps -i'm well aware. I often fight with the phrase that he will come in time. At what time? How much longer in this life do I have to go without it? Am I not loving myself enough? And by being fixated on the fact that I am alone , am I doing myself a disservice? I don't want to be jaded when he gets here and I don't want him to have all the pressure of having to be my ideal man.. definetly not fair for him. Over the years I have had to learn to protect myself. I've built my personality, i've worked my career, I wake everyday and hype myself up so that I remain open and honest and willing to love and yet, well i'm still waiting.
I grew up a fat kid with bad skin. I was poor. I struggled in school sometimes and yet i've made it to where I am today. I didn't have the beautiful rites of passages like first girlfriends or dates or a first kiss that mattered, I served the purpose of being everyone's funny friend. Funny people are human too and need the same things the everybody else does. I don't know what I'm gonna do in this life, but I am a person who is a lover by nature and needs his prince to come and share this wacky life with me. I hear you silence but I believe, with my eyes closed real tight, that there is a new song taht i'm longing to hear.