Monday, June 6, 2011

I want a tan line under my Titty

Summer is running up on a bitch at a real rude, quick pace. Child I just glanced behind me and saw that Summer, with her common hot ass, has taking out Winter and Spring with a headlock and a knuckle sandwich. So needless to say: She's heres, she's queers. Get used to her! OK, henny!
Summer is to the gays what tequila is to Mexicans...a lot! The first day that the weather reaches 52, bare testicles are sliding down the sidewalks with fierce sunglasses. I mean I believe that sometimes we jump the gun with the nakedness but if'n you got it, flaunt it. I enjoy the summer rays just as much as the next guy but when you are a plussize twink, you have to be inventive with your exposure. I mean, I was once told that a lady leaves a little bit on her plate, so in that same respect, a lady leaves a little to the imagination. I choose to expose my chocolate skin in a flash of collarbone, a Capri showing my good cankle, perhaps a mid drift loosely covered in burlap....i mean it's the little things right.
The traditional summer activities are what keeps my imagination going during the long New York winters. Tanning, Beaching, Drinking, Drinking, and well, shit I can't front...Drinking. Now you may be wondering, why the hell do you tan when you are the color of dusk? I'll tell you why. It allows me to be nude in public and not get arrested and have to register in yet one more neighborhood. My social security number is tired. That's right folks I'm that bitch that you see at the beach that shouldn't be wearing what she's wearing. You may even find your self saying...You go, oooohhh miss thing...ok henny, she better do it. Right that's me, just a chocolate statue of curves and subtle soft skin. But just like my other counterparts I got to make sure i don't have tan lines, but I look forward to my tan line under my titty every's my marker that I've done good, and isn't that all that we want to here..I mean we want to hear that and that we don't have skin cancer by titty tan line always is JUST fine. P.s. The darker I am, the whiter my teeth look.
Every year during this time I write a formal apology, on thick hard paper, to my liver. I say things like sorry I woke up and drank four bottles of champagne for brunch and that my night cap was a bottle of Johnny Walker...and that even when I'm suppose to be hydrating you...there are truly vodka ice cubes in my glass, it never responds back. I find the silence to speak volumes. We tend to speak again in Winter, but even then it's just soo daaamn formal, but that's her, my liver-the bitch. I mean how many times do I need to apology.
I also apologize to my mani/pedi lady. I know our first visit will be rough, but I promise it gets so much better as the summer continues. We have both discussed this over the years. I always tell her, Sue Kim, it's rough the first time cause we are getting rid of the Winter toe. And she always responds "aljdojoeohbdnonldojndohjn" At which point I say"OK", and just leave a big tip. Then one time she said "aljdoljldjdgojljgojjgp;jjpj'g" and I said, " I don't know what the fuck you've said, but I can call immigration and i'm not afraid. And she said " ". Sue Kim always comes over for my birthday parties.
I'm so excited for the lazy, hot days of summer. More to come peeps, more to come.