Wednesday, July 28, 2010


The sounds of the city are slowly creeping into my cracked open windows. The melody of honking horns and chugging trucks and people yelling and babies giggling is harmonizing with the static sounds playfully leaping from my radio. The whisps of steam float above my coffee. The linen curtains flap in the breeze. I sit at my seats edge, legs open staring down between my legs..thinking nothing except how much i love the underwear im wearing. My head rests heavily on my shoulders. The weight of my thoughts are starting to take a physical manifestation. They are weighing as heavy as the feeling of lead in my heart right now. He hurt me. Brakes squeal in the distance and i'm snapped out of my daze. I look up. Facebook is staring at my face. Oh look Victor just landed a callback. I momentarily rejoice. I should call him. Damn, I can't shake this. Before I know it my head is back at 0 and i now notice that a pedicure may be in order. I chuckle at this thought. I start to see way beyond the exposed cuticle. I glance down past the hardwood floors, my gaze is reaching beyond the apartment below and somehow my soul attaches to this and before you know it, i'm tip toeing barefoot down the street.

I look to my left and to my right and the whole world has frozen. The whole world has waited for me to be here, right now, at this exact moment and it scares me. I catch out of my right eye frozen limbs, various forms of people in action. I notice Silence. The only rhythm, the only music I can hear right now is the pulsing of my blood in my body, the percussive beating of my cells playing bumper cars off each other and i can even hear the faintest sound of my DNA exploring mysteries and releasing information constantly controlling me and allowing me to be here right now. I gasp. I look ahead and I run. I run and freedom is kissing my face. Flowing past me is all the silly things that bind me. I run for my insecurites. I run for my non acceptance of my sheer greatness. I run for a family that I felt should have guided me more in life. I run for those days when i've not been able to eat. I run for my pride that wouldn't allow me to ask for help. I run for being an embarassment. I run for hating myself. I run for giving myself to men in order to understand beauty for increments of time. I run for ancestors whose lessons have shaped my life. I run for running when i get nervous. I run for being so damn needing of others. I run alone. The world around me is still frozen solid. The flow of life in me is not ending. I don't grow tired. My spirit not weary. My heart no longer hurt. I run. I stop at the top of a hill. And I laugh. I laugh with arms spread wide. My chest held high. I laugh and I scream. I recieve it. I recieve you. I recieve this. I laugh until tears stream down my face. I am OK. It's gonna be OK. I am OK. I am OK. I am OK. I AM LOVED. I AM LOVE. I turn and run as if fire is attached to my hills. I run so quickly that I fail to notice that the world around me has recaptured breath. And following me, trailing me is the beautiful sound of LIFE. I hear and feel life behind me, but slowly catching up with me and surrounding me.

I run so quickly that my feet lift off the ground. I hover above stairs, I pass through the apt below me, through the floorboards and re-enter myself. My head floats without the heaviness of before and as my gaze shifts from floor to the computer desk to the computer screen, I breathe. My hands raise and hover above the keypad for a second before typing...

Today I accept life and I'm okay. And today,I know, I can make it without you and this and everything is the world can throw to me. I am loved.

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