Mitties

Here’s the thing…

Man + titties= mitties. Hi I’m Brayden and I have mitties! Just your good ole fashion, true to everyday fashion man titties! I can’t. Today I tried on a wife beater, the terms not PC but who gives a fword, and noticed two small mounds protruding from where my caramel pecs once stood. WTF? This weight gain is like herpes it starts at your mouth and moves all over your whole body. I just can’t. What’s next, cankles? Damage, I’ve got those too. I’ve learned through my years of gayness that there are three things you never say to gay men:

1. Your going bald,
2. Your getting old
3. You’ve got man tits!
I don’t know maybe I made up the last one but dang it it’s relevant.

I would like to take some time now to provide some facts backslash observations I’ve notice. Do stay tuned…

Fact 1. Man titties look good on no one. Babies can pass because they’re cute and baby smelly and fat and still vomit on themselves. But once that oh-my-God-you-were- just-born -charm runs out, they’re lives also start to go down the drain.

Fact 2. Man titties are often sported with pride by senior citizens who want to show that they’ve still got some muscle on their 649 year old bodies, granted the muscles have completely fallen victim to gravity and Ben Gay, but nonetheless, a shape of a former beautiful pectoral is still outlined.

Fact 3. Man titties pose a health threat. There are no manuals on proper man titty health. Is there a mammogram that specializes in tit l’ homme, and if so what kind of doctor would perform the test, an outofshapeatologist? Where could a fellow go to perhaps get his moobies sized? Is there a danger in taking a sensible jog with a malter(man halter) or morts bro(male sports bra). All these are uncertain, unfortunate things that come about from this situation.

Friends there has got to be a way. A way for people with man tits and those without to live together in perfect harmony. I have a dream. I have a dream that one day I too could wear a high waist 1922 style pant and not have my moobs dangle o’er my belt. I have a dream. I have a dream that one day black tit and white tit could live together and be judged not by the content or girth of their mitties, but their style of dress, as all good gay men should be judged, I have a dream. I have a dream that with enough working out, a plastic surgeon and check cut straight from my trust fund that I too could be shirtless at 6 Flags.
Enough with all this cra-cra, I’m off to the gym!