Monday, February 1, 2010

Dear Weight Loss, you're RUDE

Today I was staring in the mirror, naked as the day I was born, surveying the ever changing campus that is my body, when I noticed the rudeness by which my fat is moving. I suck my stomach in, I almost pass out. I poke my belly out, I almost pass out, I make a muscle, I almost pass out, I'm thinking I should really take some breathing courses. I look from head to toe and do sort of a mental inventory. Face: more structured. Neck: slimmer. Shoulders: a lil more defined. Waist: smaller. Thighs: toner. Ass: higher and juicier (yes!!!) Man tits: OUT OF CONTROL.

Here's the thing: I know that God has a sense of humor: He created me! I believe after resting on the 7th day, He had a lot of built up cabin fever and said let me create something to make me giggle, and there I was. Now, I have somehow obtained, from the Big Guy, a perfect hourglass figure, a football player's height and thickness, a 40 year old woman's booty, and a young 18 year old's supple boobs, and a pleasant man surprise betwixt my legs. I can't grow facial hair rapidly and I'm perfectly hairless with a high voice and my mothers cheek bones: if you add all that up, you get perfect tranny! I may or may not have questioned my mother as to whether or not I had sexual reassignment surgery in my youth. She said: What's a reassignment? I said: You dumb, bitch! (...and that was the last time we spoke and the last time I had my own natural teeth)

I said all that to say this: Because of all these factors: I lose weight differently then most men. My shoulders slim, my waist does too, and i guess I've built up pecs in my workouts, therefore, the plump of the muscle underneath combined with the jiggle on top equals an increase of size from slightly embarrassing mounds to out right offensive cleavage. This has all been done in the name of weight loss and I personally, will forever and ever, call her a rude homeless trick!

I'll keep on trucking towards my goal of physical perfection but if this madness continues, fully expect a double mastectomy!

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