Monday, November 8, 2010

Beautiully Human

I am brass. giddy. quiet. sensitve. cold. angry. bitter. lonely. jaded. excited. full of life. lover of people. hater of people. simple. flamboyant. a failure. a success: beautifully human.

Today I start this post a little crazy on the inside. The sky is thought provoking gray. There is this crisp chill in the air that kinda hugs you and keeps you wrapped in it's prescence. The wind is whispering. The birds still. Today the city is sleeping. It's the beginning of a week and this beast that is New York is lightly resting her eyes; I rest silently with her. I sit at this coppercovered bar. Food to my left, bottles in front of me, my head empty and yet my mind races. Here's the real problem. I left a voice lesson today. It was the first time I had been to one in well over two years. I wasn't perfect in my lesson. My voice sounded weak. It didn't do what I needed it to do. I was embarassed. I was angry. I felt stupid. I felt like the one thing I am great at, I couldn't do. My pride was hurt. My teacher didn't come from a place of judgement, but of encouragement. I'm pretty sure I didn't sound as bad as I am making it out. I've pinpointed the reason why I'm so frustrated. This lesson is just one more example of my non perfection. I am not perfect. I am not perfect. I am not perfect. I've known this for years. I'm not perfect in comparsion with others. My beauty is not like theirs. My comedy-not like theirs. My flaws-not like theirs. But if they were would I be any more special because my flaws are exact to that of someone else? No. I'd just be a carbon copy of someone else's perfect little flaws. I've come up with this theory: my flaws are my perfection. Simple right. That theory allows you to love all the things that you hate. It reinforces that you, indeed, are not a mistake. One thing that makes me excited is that he, the one who will rest his head on my shoulder while I clean up dinner dishes, will love my flaws. It's taken me awhile to understand my beauty. It's difficult when you belong to an environment, a culture, a society that places such importance on being thin and proportioned and to look this way or that. I've learned that I cannot be boxed and my challenge to you: don't allow yourself to be boxed! I relax back into my chair now and quietly rejoicing in my humaness, my "flawed" humaness that makes me beautiful. love you as much as i'm learning to me.

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