Wednesday, October 6, 2010
.....if you can't love yourself
How can you love someone else if you don't truly love yourself? I have heard that phrase soo many times in my life. There have been times when I have truly been so annoyed by that phrase that I've wanted to throw up. But it rings true. Today I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm lonely. I'm pissed. I'm being honest. The past few days of cloudiness has drawn out to weeks and the weeks to months and I sit here wondering-when was the last time I didn't feel this rumble of anger in my spirit? Have I really been looking and loving through cloudy eyes? Have I? Have I cheapened my relationships with new people in my life? Have I fairly given them a chance? And why, why have I been running to find new people and places to fill this whatever? I've been hurt by noone in particular but by everyone. My song is strained. My breath labored. My embrace half assed. I can't help make anyone better when I can't even make myself better. Lost. Weakened by reality. Callused by, just by life. And yet everyday I push up against it and fight to not let it affect my life. I have joy. Joy is this beautiful thing that is nonsituational. Joy is deep and can withstand so much, but it's the situations that have really, really pullled me together. In the media there is noone like me. There are not many people like me. On the outside looking in makes me scream. I won't necessarily mind being one in the crowd, instead of standing alone and the crowd forms around the spectacle. I scream. My mouth opens, my chords freeze and my eyes water. I'm saying I need help. I'm saying listen to me. I'm saying care about what I need to say...and you say(...) When you hurt it's not fair. Not fair to you, people you love, places you are...it gets to be a little too much. To heal yourself you need to get away. To sit. To be quiet. To get lost in your world of confusion, of noise, of silence, of twisted thoughts, be lost in you. Let all the pain flood the back of your eyelids. Let all the hate seep from your pores. Shake off all the negativity that is choking your heart and spitting angrily to people you love in hopefully unheard insults. And sometimes we write. We write to let people know they are not alone. That alot of people hate themselves. That alot of people are vulnerable. That alot of people feel this. We write because sometimes noone listens. And yet everyone hears....nothing. I write because I don't know how to articulate what needs to escape. i write to let me pain out. I write because I feel alone in a world surrounded by people. I write cause I'm angry, i'm hopeful, I'm lonely, I horny, I'm missunderstood, I'm seen and yet am invisible, i don't trust myself and don't believe that anyone else can love me, i write my clarity, my honesty, your truths, your weaknesses, your voice and for my own sanity. I write today to say..i don't love myself like i should but today i'm admitting it and can only grow from here. I write because my voice is that of many and my chords are lives past and present and they channell life through my fingers. I write. I'm now silent. I peacefully reflect. I thank you for your ear and your heart.