Tuesday, December 29, 2009

My Name is NOT Precious

Picture this: Chelsea, a dive bar, a pair of sunglasses an oversalted margarita:a Sunday afternoon! From the other end of the bar I hear a shrill something-too high pitched for a normal human, too high pitched for dog, even. I immediately whip my head over to look for my Ipod to see if I left it on, but it wasn't the sound of music I was hearing it was the sound of a sissy from the corner. I bury my head with shame feeling the effects of Free Hot Dog Night with purchase of a Long Island, when that ping hits me again. I shudder and I think, you must have never seen puberty and I mean not even waved at the bitch as she did drive by to all your friends houses. Where the hell is the bass in your voice? Through my fog I hear, "Precious, I loved you in the movie!" SILENCE. Repeat. "Precious, I loved you in the movie!" Insert wide eyes and dry mouth.
Honey, I gagged. A spit take may have occured. I may have rolled my eyes so intensly my contacts shifted, I may have become instantly sober. As if I didn't hear the insult clearly this queen continued, "Precious, you look thinner than you did in the movie?" Honey this white queen has just made me see blood! As I put my drink back in my hand, stuff my pride neatly in my change purse, I scream a stream of curse words, stuff so vile I can't even write them out. *Sidenote: a senior gay may or may not has pissed himself from laughter and another did too, but I think that's just how he gets off-either way, wierd!*

Now my momma told me a couple of very important things to remember in my life:
1) Keep yo house clean black folks talk about you!
2) Don't get fucked by a white man!
Those principles may not apply right now to this situation but I went in.
Let's just say by the time I got done with that overgrown Michelle Tanner I was banned from the bar, which is fine, they put too much salt on their margaritas anyway! In case you were wondering, my face still ain't scarred! Werk!

The point of this blog is to say: My white queens don't get too comfortable!

Just cause you got one black gay friend don't mean you can come out of your head that way. NOT all black people do runs. NOT all black people like to be called girlfriend or sister. NOT all black people snap their fingers and roll their eyes. NOT all black people are hood. NOT all black people who are overweight are named Precious.

Damn, now I need another drink, that wore me out.

1 comment:

  1. You betta preach! You know, some of them just have too much sass for their own good and need to be chequed (that's how classy folk spell it)every now and again. Wonderful work, as usual. If I don't see you before the ball drops (mind out of the gutter, please), Happy New Year, darling!