Somedays I don't feel like being fabulous. Somedays I feel like being utterly human. Today is a day of the latter.
Strength comes from understanding and making wise, beautiful decisions based on those understandings. My life has been a constant struggle to find strength in my utter humaness. To be fabulous and fierce is easy. People only recognize the strength of the personae that you've created. This wall, unpenetrable by typical humans, serves as a secure blanket, a Great Wall of China, a defense mechansm-sometimes glittered and bejeweled, but none the less a defense mechanism. I started building that wall as a child.
I grew up a fat kid. A poor, fat kid. A poor, bad skin, awkward looking fat kid. Comedy was my only escape. I sliced people with my words. I fought with an educated tongue. I mutalated the weak with quick wit. I protected my often exposed underbelly with sarcasm. I was safe in my tower. I was alone in my towere. Somethings never change. Here I sit in a corner of a Starbucks in the biggest city in the world alone. Conversing solely with the only other person I trust whole heartedly,my mind,alone.
I have a psychopassion for the arts, whether it be creating or performing, I can't be left without it. In that passion comes my insanity. I think sometimes a great majority of my problems comes from the fact that I am absolutely attached to my emotions, I just never share with others what I need.
I feel deeply. I cry when joy or passion or anger or fear consume me. The sadness comes when I question why I honor these emotions. When I doubt my beauty, my intelligence, my importance to others, that is when the sadness comes.
My heart chirps melodies all the time. My ears tune into harmonies. My soul vibrates in every cavity with acceptance and peace and thankfulness and humility and importance and want and hardwork, but it's SILENCED when DOUBT appears. I bang my chest and I hear babies giggle. I beat harder and me holding my nephew and niece for the first time and my heart jumpstarts. I rub my heart and my mom smiles at me and calls me her husband. I touch my belly and the legacy of my grandmothers stories stir my soul. I tug my ear and my dad sings with me. I slap my thighs and I dance with the angels who share the names of my bestfriends. I stomp my foot, open my arms, close my eyes and expose my heart and I scream Hallelujah! I dance till it hurts, I sing till I'm hoarse, I laugh till Icramp. I've not lost that which makes me beautifully human, my faults, my falters, my scars, my pain is my humanity. No longer silenced by doubt my soul rejoices,my heart smiles. I embrace my greatness for me and I celebrate the embracing and finding of your greatness. With fingers vibrating and tapping toes I end these thoughts. They are not finish, for they will continue to grow, but they have spoken to me enough for now. And for that I'm grateful. Maybe today 'm not intenesly fabulous, but I am utterly human.