Monday, August 30, 2010

Man boobs. Summer Heat. A dream

Question: Why is the sun so angry with me today? I tiptoed out of my house today with the delicate smell of a cucumber spray on my neck, the robust smell of high endurance underneath my arms and betwixt my legs was the sensual smell of sunflower baby powder. I was ready to take on the day. Two steps out of the building the sun began it's very personal attack against me. Thus my personal summer began. It seemed like the bitch hid on top of my building and as soon as I stepped out the door, she came and sat on the bridge of my nose. The sweat happened immediately. First it started with the gentle lip sweat, then it moved down to the sweat drip that collects at the bottom of your back, top of your ass. This is where it started to get very uncomfortable. And then I felt it...the "under the tit sweat". It's so gross! Sidenote: dear women, you have bras with fabric that soak up the moist nasty that is "under the tit sweat", but us men we have to grin and bear it(sidenote finished) All the smell good that only a few minutes before was applied had gone to shit. Instead of delicate cucumber it smelled like dill pickles, my high endurance turned to no endurance and sunflower baby powder smelled like pungent toe cheese. It was...a mess. Ok, it wasn't that bad, but damn the heat makes you delusional. (See delusional me) I continued my day. Picked up a headshot. Drank an ice coffee. Contemplated life.
In my life there is this need for greatness. In my life there is this fear of my own greatness. This obnoxious strength. This beautiful vulnerability. Why am I so afraid to just be the fabulous person that I am? Why is it that when i'm home standing in front of my mirror, naked, staring at every scar, stretch mark, dimple and every perfect imperfection; I see how beautifully human I am: I am gorgeous. When I leave the comfort of my safety place, my sanctuary, I allow what others definition of beautiful affect me. I allow stupid thoughts like am I too fat, too dark, too sloppy, too feminine, too flawed penetrate my soul. I doubt myself. I dumb myself down. I allow my greatness to flow, like rainwater and pollution, down the gutter. I negate everything I stand for and yet, I allow it to happen all the time. My definition of a strong person is someone who can be as strong as need be and as vunerable within the same respect. My battle with loving and owning and respecting my greatness, will continue to be just that, a small battle in this crazy war called life and acceptance. Oh what a day.

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